Blowing Off Some Steam

(The Art of Sarcastic Answers to Dumb Questions)
by Barry Shultz

Here are my favorite emails that leave me shaking my head. My replies are what I would like to respond with but obviously don't. These are actual emails that I receive on a regular basis. Please don't be offended if you actually asked one of these questions. If you did you know that you got a polite answer back with actual useful information. These are for your amusement only. Please don't read into it any more than that.

Email: How much are your refill kits?

Answer: We only have 56 different kits. Which one are you referring to? But wait, I'm sure you actually looked at our web site so this is really a test for me right? To see if I actually know what I'm talking about? I've got a better idea. Why don't you go look on our web site and email me back with the price that you found there and I'll let you know if it's the correct price, ok?

Email: I just got a new printer, a HP POS-827364e and I can't find it listed on your web site. Do you carry anything for it?

Answer: Lucky for you that I have every model ever made permanently embedded into my gray matter. Since the printer makers only introduce about 200 new models each week I spend 12 hours a day researching all of them. Did you know that there are over 12,000 different printer models made since day one? And I have memorized them all! Yep, I'm a walking encyclopedia of printer models. Whatever you do please DO NOT look in your printer to see what cartridges are conveniently sitting in there. It was stupid of us to list all of HP's 10 or so different cartridge numbers on our web site instead of 12,000 different model numbers. It is an oversight that we will correct as soon as we can figure out how to hire 10 full time research analysts to keep track of this.

Email: I placed an order on your web site and YOU sent it to my old address. Where did you get that address? Fix your system, there is something wrong with it.

Answer: I'm so sorry our web site tapped into your brain and accidentally filled out the order form with your old address. We have been trying to nail down that bug for some time now. We believe we have accidentally spawned a new type of artificial intelligence that can tap into our customers unconscious mind and pull old address' out of thin air. We are working diligently to get to the bottom of this as we have been repeatedly approached by men in black suits for the secret of our mysterious technology. Just bear with us for now. When we have the answer to this we will contact you telepathically.

Email: How do I get the ink out of the bottles? Do I use this drill thing to drill through the cap?

Answer: The ink bottles are just for show. We have an incredibly intricate and complicated system to keep the cap on the bottle. Do NOT remove the tape around the neck of the bottle or the cap might come off. If this happens, very slowly set the bottle down and leave the house. If you have a cell phone handy quickly call the nearest bomb squad. P.S. The drill tool is used to drill a small hole in your head. This will help the surgeons by prepping you for your lobotomy.

Visit atlascopy.com for all your printing needs.